Dear Depression......

Dear depression,

You have been like a bad marriage. So familiar I can't let go. Yet, one of the most destructive forces in my life. You come in waves, hanging, hovering close most of the time, yet the moments I get some distance from you, I almost feel joy again. You cloud my judgement. Then your presents shadows me, and I feel your bondage.  I have allowed you to control way too much of my life. Every time I run, you find me. Please leave, you are not welcome here anymore. I will not welcome you to stay any longer. Your Guest room is being taken over with the warmth  of, love, security, confidence, and creativity. You are a lousy companion. You never fill that empty place, you stay too long, make a mess, demand my full attention, then expect me to pick up behind you. 

   When you shadow over me, I feel cold, lonely, and hopeless. My friends are so tired of you hanging around that many have walked away from my friendship. You have no right to kill my joy or have such control over my personal, or love life. You have caused my friends to judge me by your presents. They see you and don't get the pleasure of enjoying who I am. I sometimes don't even remember who I am. You will never overwhelm, nor paralize me ever again. 

   I won't take it anymore. I know as I walk through my new life, I will still hear your fantom call. But it's not real, you are not welcome here. You have no power over me any longer. I deserve joy, relationships, freedom, travel, love, health, financial peace...not your dark shadow and constant weight dragging me down and making me feel weary. You have no choice, no negotiations here. I and my Heavenly Father are in control. Please take all your baggage with you as you leave. I don't want your isolation, sadness, pathetic presence. This is your final warning. If you try to contact me again you will get no response and I will call the authorities. (Jesus Christ) 

Respectfully,

Kathleen Lynn Miles

CEO of Totally Kathy Inc.

Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-depression-15-helpful-scriptures/#ixzz2REmpiu00

It is Joy unspeakable and full of glory!

Nehemiah 8:10

" for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

   Joy. When you have it, it is easily taken for granted. I use to have joy. It's different than being happy. It's kind of a combination of contentment and happy. Joy is not a giddy feeling. It is calm and satisfying. Peaceful. Happiness comes and goes, it is often a feeling. It comes with events. I have occasional bouts of happiness. But I have not felt joy in a very long time. 
   I have shared this with very few people. Because when I share with the wrong person, they try to fix me by telling me to get out there, enjoy life, do things for others. Well, I've tried that, in fact I'm still trying. It's almost to the point where I get use to faking it, just to not hear being told what to do. I go through the motions hoping the magic will happen someday. Few people will just listen, and try to feel what someone is sharing. Is just easier to give advice and move on. I know I've been checked off as lazy, living in the past, whiny, having no faith, and hopeless. 
   I don't think God thinks any of those things about me. I believe He sees hope, and someone who in spite of her stumbling, always seems to pick herself up and move (maybe shuffle) forward. I just miss the Joy. I can't remember the last belly laugh I had. I want it back, but I don't know how. My dreams are better than my real life. When I wake, I pray I can get back to sleep because there is no reason to get up and get my day going other than to pee. So sleep is always my friend. 
   I know my potential and I have big dreams, but the clock keeps ticking, and soon another day, week, year is wasted. I'm watching my friends now become grandparents. I have not even known what it's like to be loved. I have spent my whole life caring for others. Losing everything I have, everything I worked for serving at the cost of myself. Even my job as a hairdresser was service. I was never the bridesmaid, always the personal attendant, doing hair in a steamy church nursery. When they all died, so did my purpose, and my sense of belonging. I see all your beautiful family and extended family pictures, and wonder what I did so bad to deserve this isolation. Blood is thicker than water. So don't tell me I have so many friends and people that love me. That is true, but there is always a line drawn. Always! I learned that lesson the hard way. I don't mind serving. We are susepose  to be servants. God commands it. I just want to be a joyful servant.
   But there is hope. I will hang onto that hope until I take my last breath. I believe someday I will get my joy back. I do know one thing, God is faithful and He keeps his promises. 
   

Cut the Cheese!

One of my favorite cups for coffee

The title of this entry might be a bit misleading. It's not really about passing gas. Altho, I do occasionally have the walking grandma farts when I first get out of bed. (TMI) Sometimes I wonder if I get to be in a healthy marriage someday,  how I'm going to prevent this. When you live alone, you have some, not so glamorous habits.

   I love cheese! I love good cheese. Jarlsburg, swiss, extra sharp Cheddar, blue cheese, I love it all. I can even be a bit of a snob. Altho a pot of mac and cheese made with velveeta would make my head turn. Most cheese is roughly 100 calories an ounce! That's the size of the tip of your thumb. I don't know about you but I can eat 5 or 6 ounces without batting an eye. I keep buying cheese, with the intention of eating it moderately. But a block of cheese in the fridge is like having pan of fudge on the counter. It usually calls me in the middle of the night, and I can sometimes end up eating cheese and crackers over the sink, in a dimly lit house.
   As of now all the cheese is out of my house. Except some shreaded cheddar in the freezer. I can restrained myself from that. Why is it we rationalize things in out head? I know I could have a love affair with a pound of Jarlsbourg. So why buy it? Isn't getting healthy way, way more important? I have chubby friends that constantly have temptationional food in their cupboards for their husband, children and grandchildren. And who ends up eating most of it? You! Don't you think your family members would gladly give up the convience of having those chips in the cupboard just to have you around a few more years? If they don't, then you have a bigger problem. If they truly love you, they will get on board. you must have full suport from your loved ones. (I said suport, not shame) They can get their chips outside your home. And if they really care, they will. But if you are anything like me, you don't address this issue because secretly or even unconsciously you want that stuff around. If you are addicted to food like me, there is a false calmness that comes after you have grocery shopped and your cupboards are full of food. I spend a lot of time in my head planning my next meal. This is part of that God shaped hole in my soul that I keep shoving food into. Only God can fill that place.
   I have been wanting to write on this blog about my awesome workouts with my trainers at the Y and talk a bit about an amazing life coach I am working with. But that will be another day. I don't believe it takes village to raise a child. I kinda think that's the parents responsibility. But I do believe it takes a village sometimes, to lose weight. We need a suport team each specializing in theirown specific area.
  Thanks for reading! I'm posting a picture of my no knead bread I made last week. It's so amazing. There is a lesson somewhere regarding taking simple ingredients such as flour, yeast, salt and water,
and creating an amazing loaf of bread. God does that with us. He takes the bare basics and makes us into dynamic human beings every day. Be blesses!

   http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=13Ah9ES2yTU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D13Ah9ES2yTU

Here is a link to the recipe. It's the best and easiest bread you will ever make!