Nehemiah 8:10
" for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
Joy. When you have it, it is easily taken for granted. I use to have joy. It's different than being happy. It's kind of a combination of contentment and happy. Joy is not a giddy feeling. It is calm and satisfying. Peaceful. Happiness comes and goes, it is often a feeling. It comes with events. I have occasional bouts of happiness. But I have not felt joy in a very long time.
I have shared this with very few people. Because when I share with the wrong person, they try to fix me by telling me to get out there, enjoy life, do things for others. Well, I've tried that, in fact I'm still trying. It's almost to the point where I get use to faking it, just to not hear being told what to do. I go through the motions hoping the magic will happen someday. Few people will just listen, and try to feel what someone is sharing. Is just easier to give advice and move on. I know I've been checked off as lazy, living in the past, whiny, having no faith, and hopeless.
I don't think God thinks any of those things about me. I believe He sees hope, and someone who in spite of her stumbling, always seems to pick herself up and move (maybe shuffle) forward. I just miss the Joy. I can't remember the last belly laugh I had. I want it back, but I don't know how. My dreams are better than my real life. When I wake, I pray I can get back to sleep because there is no reason to get up and get my day going other than to pee. So sleep is always my friend.
I know my potential and I have big dreams, but the clock keeps ticking, and soon another day, week, year is wasted. I'm watching my friends now become grandparents. I have not even known what it's like to be loved. I have spent my whole life caring for others. Losing everything I have, everything I worked for serving at the cost of myself. Even my job as a hairdresser was service. I was never the bridesmaid, always the personal attendant, doing hair in a steamy church nursery. When they all died, so did my purpose, and my sense of belonging. I see all your beautiful family and extended family pictures, and wonder what I did so bad to deserve this isolation. Blood is thicker than water. So don't tell me I have so many friends and people that love me. That is true, but there is always a line drawn. Always! I learned that lesson the hard way. I don't mind serving. We are susepose to be servants. God commands it. I just want to be a joyful servant.
But there is hope. I will hang onto that hope until I take my last breath. I believe someday I will get my joy back. I do know one thing, God is faithful and He keeps his promises.
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