Laying up treasures

I enjoy pop culture, I love watching ET, and entertainment tonight, I love reality TV, I love Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo. All that said, I do not understand the fasination with the Karidashians. Honey Boo Boo's Mom may not be sophiscated, but she has 10 times the good values the Karidations ever will. Ever since I have become poor, it sickens me to see self indulgent people validate themselves with their spending and rationalizing it all away. Creating their own universe by purchasing not only redicilous material things, but also wrapping themselves with yes men who fawn over them and glorify their behavior. If by some crazy chance I'd have money, I pray I could be real and smart.

In essence, I have done the very same with my obesity. I created my world too comfortable. Surrounding myself with people who never challenged me. Letting some others manipulate and controlling me with the bait and crumbs tossed my way.

Even having furniture a bed, and a car that accommodated my isolated little world. Creating a refuge that soon became my prison. And, I did it in the name of The Lord. We can rationalize any behavior away. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I reconize the forest, and realize I'm not alone without my guide. I am grateful for the sweet handful of friends who were there, never manipulating, criticizing or repulsed by me. You have stood by me ay mt worst moments, constantly there. I have a very long road ahead, and I know my Heavenly Father and you few saints that stood by will always be there. God is faithful, ALL THE TIME.

Dear Depression......

Dear depression,

You have been like a bad marriage. So familiar I can't let go. Yet, one of the most destructive forces in my life. You come in waves, hanging, hovering close most of the time, yet the moments I get some distance from you, I almost feel joy again. You cloud my judgement. Then your presents shadows me, and I feel your bondage.  I have allowed you to control way too much of my life. Every time I run, you find me. Please leave, you are not welcome here anymore. I will not welcome you to stay any longer. Your Guest room is being taken over with the warmth  of, love, security, confidence, and creativity. You are a lousy companion. You never fill that empty place, you stay too long, make a mess, demand my full attention, then expect me to pick up behind you. 

   When you shadow over me, I feel cold, lonely, and hopeless. My friends are so tired of you hanging around that many have walked away from my friendship. You have no right to kill my joy or have such control over my personal, or love life. You have caused my friends to judge me by your presents. They see you and don't get the pleasure of enjoying who I am. I sometimes don't even remember who I am. You will never overwhelm, nor paralize me ever again. 

   I won't take it anymore. I know as I walk through my new life, I will still hear your fantom call. But it's not real, you are not welcome here. You have no power over me any longer. I deserve joy, relationships, freedom, travel, love, health, financial peace...not your dark shadow and constant weight dragging me down and making me feel weary. You have no choice, no negotiations here. I and my Heavenly Father are in control. Please take all your baggage with you as you leave. I don't want your isolation, sadness, pathetic presence. This is your final warning. If you try to contact me again you will get no response and I will call the authorities. (Jesus Christ) 

Respectfully,

Kathleen Lynn Miles

CEO of Totally Kathy Inc.

Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-depression-15-helpful-scriptures/#ixzz2REmpiu00

It is Joy unspeakable and full of glory!

Nehemiah 8:10

" for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

   Joy. When you have it, it is easily taken for granted. I use to have joy. It's different than being happy. It's kind of a combination of contentment and happy. Joy is not a giddy feeling. It is calm and satisfying. Peaceful. Happiness comes and goes, it is often a feeling. It comes with events. I have occasional bouts of happiness. But I have not felt joy in a very long time. 
   I have shared this with very few people. Because when I share with the wrong person, they try to fix me by telling me to get out there, enjoy life, do things for others. Well, I've tried that, in fact I'm still trying. It's almost to the point where I get use to faking it, just to not hear being told what to do. I go through the motions hoping the magic will happen someday. Few people will just listen, and try to feel what someone is sharing. Is just easier to give advice and move on. I know I've been checked off as lazy, living in the past, whiny, having no faith, and hopeless. 
   I don't think God thinks any of those things about me. I believe He sees hope, and someone who in spite of her stumbling, always seems to pick herself up and move (maybe shuffle) forward. I just miss the Joy. I can't remember the last belly laugh I had. I want it back, but I don't know how. My dreams are better than my real life. When I wake, I pray I can get back to sleep because there is no reason to get up and get my day going other than to pee. So sleep is always my friend. 
   I know my potential and I have big dreams, but the clock keeps ticking, and soon another day, week, year is wasted. I'm watching my friends now become grandparents. I have not even known what it's like to be loved. I have spent my whole life caring for others. Losing everything I have, everything I worked for serving at the cost of myself. Even my job as a hairdresser was service. I was never the bridesmaid, always the personal attendant, doing hair in a steamy church nursery. When they all died, so did my purpose, and my sense of belonging. I see all your beautiful family and extended family pictures, and wonder what I did so bad to deserve this isolation. Blood is thicker than water. So don't tell me I have so many friends and people that love me. That is true, but there is always a line drawn. Always! I learned that lesson the hard way. I don't mind serving. We are susepose  to be servants. God commands it. I just want to be a joyful servant.
   But there is hope. I will hang onto that hope until I take my last breath. I believe someday I will get my joy back. I do know one thing, God is faithful and He keeps his promises. 
   

Cut the Cheese!

One of my favorite cups for coffee

The title of this entry might be a bit misleading. It's not really about passing gas. Altho, I do occasionally have the walking grandma farts when I first get out of bed. (TMI) Sometimes I wonder if I get to be in a healthy marriage someday,  how I'm going to prevent this. When you live alone, you have some, not so glamorous habits.

   I love cheese! I love good cheese. Jarlsburg, swiss, extra sharp Cheddar, blue cheese, I love it all. I can even be a bit of a snob. Altho a pot of mac and cheese made with velveeta would make my head turn. Most cheese is roughly 100 calories an ounce! That's the size of the tip of your thumb. I don't know about you but I can eat 5 or 6 ounces without batting an eye. I keep buying cheese, with the intention of eating it moderately. But a block of cheese in the fridge is like having pan of fudge on the counter. It usually calls me in the middle of the night, and I can sometimes end up eating cheese and crackers over the sink, in a dimly lit house.
   As of now all the cheese is out of my house. Except some shreaded cheddar in the freezer. I can restrained myself from that. Why is it we rationalize things in out head? I know I could have a love affair with a pound of Jarlsbourg. So why buy it? Isn't getting healthy way, way more important? I have chubby friends that constantly have temptationional food in their cupboards for their husband, children and grandchildren. And who ends up eating most of it? You! Don't you think your family members would gladly give up the convience of having those chips in the cupboard just to have you around a few more years? If they don't, then you have a bigger problem. If they truly love you, they will get on board. you must have full suport from your loved ones. (I said suport, not shame) They can get their chips outside your home. And if they really care, they will. But if you are anything like me, you don't address this issue because secretly or even unconsciously you want that stuff around. If you are addicted to food like me, there is a false calmness that comes after you have grocery shopped and your cupboards are full of food. I spend a lot of time in my head planning my next meal. This is part of that God shaped hole in my soul that I keep shoving food into. Only God can fill that place.
   I have been wanting to write on this blog about my awesome workouts with my trainers at the Y and talk a bit about an amazing life coach I am working with. But that will be another day. I don't believe it takes village to raise a child. I kinda think that's the parents responsibility. But I do believe it takes a village sometimes, to lose weight. We need a suport team each specializing in theirown specific area.
  Thanks for reading! I'm posting a picture of my no knead bread I made last week. It's so amazing. There is a lesson somewhere regarding taking simple ingredients such as flour, yeast, salt and water,
and creating an amazing loaf of bread. God does that with us. He takes the bare basics and makes us into dynamic human beings every day. Be blesses!

   http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=13Ah9ES2yTU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D13Ah9ES2yTU

Here is a link to the recipe. It's the best and easiest bread you will ever make! 

Self Pity

   Here is part of the writing about self pity, from the devotional "Jesus Calling"


Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don’t even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.

   This is again one of my bare naked confessions. I am not proud of this part of my character at all. It's a part of me I have asked God to deliver me from. But being bound by shame is much harder than exposing my character flaws. 

   I have been kidnapped by self pity for 12 years now. I had a good excuse to fall into that pit and stay there. I had dealt with the death of my parents, my aunt, who was like a grandmother to me. Rejection from most of my family. I was married for 6 years and my husband suddenly died. All of my finances were depleted due to my husbands bad health. I felt abandoned and alone. I gained 200 pounds. There is much more, but I think you get the picture. This situation got me a lot of sympathy. And I milked it for all it was worth. I'm not proud of that either. But I was stuck, felt hopeless, and worthless. 

   I prayed for God to free me from my misery. I tried to end it myself December 25, 2011. I sat in my garage, in my car, garage door shut, trying to find the courage to end it all. I was too scared, and because of my belief in what would happen to my soul, I chose to live. I think way down deep, I knew I was worth more than to end my life that way. 

   So I lived in a simple existence. I tried every way I knew how to reboot my life again. I loved the Lord, but could not understand why he was torturing me this way. I wallowed and wallowed in my own poop. Yes POOP! There is some comfort in that, it's warm, it's mine, but it STINKS! I got weary of the way this wallowing isolated me from my friends, and stopped me from enjoying the things in life that bought me joy. I had reason to feel bad, I was dealt a bad hand. I was judged and abandoned from the very people I thought I needed in my life. I was broke, I was huge, sleeping and eating were my only pleasures in life. My dreams in my sleep had become better than my real life. 

   Somewhere in all my misery, I called out to God to rescue me. He answered my prayers, but in a very  unexpected way. And not Suddenly, or magically. It was a slow evolution of answered prayer. One step at a time. little by little he put one tiny step in front of me, sometimes so subtle that I hardly noticed I was climbing out of that pit. I am still climbing, I will be until I take my last breath on this earth. But the difference now is, when I look back, it takes my breath away. I see the progress. I have lost 93 pounds, taking better care of my body, I have trainers that are helping and guide me to a place I never dreamed I could go. I have a dear sweet patient life coach, who gently tells me like it is, and a relationship with my Lord and Savior that I did not know could exist. This is growth, but not arrival. I have learned that there is no arrival. So you better just relax and enjoy the journey. This philosophy helps me to stay in today, and enjoy the gift of life daily, instead of expecting that magic moment to arrive. Or that magic number on the scale that will bring me joy the second I achieve it. 

   Today, I am grateful for the grace of God. I am grateful for the way He takes the rubble of our lives and makes something beautiful. My battles are my treasures. Only God can do that.Here is the rest of the devotional from "Jesus Calling".   Be blessed everyone! 

There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity. When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself. Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit. Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me. Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord.
—Psalm 89:15

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
—Hebrews 12:1–2 nasb

Plateau

   It's been a strange weight loss month. I was on a nasty plateau for a month. It really had a grip on me, and in spite of the standard reasons and classic excuses, I was losing confidence in myself, fast. Deep down in I knew what I was doing wrong. But don't we all? I do think there are times when we don't have a good response on the scale, but I also think there are more times we use excuses and don't look at ourselves honestly. There's a lot of denial in losing weight. Lots!

  I'm going to confess my short comings that were sabotaging my loss. Too much peanut butter on my toast in the morning, too big of a "splash" of sugar free creamer in my coffee, way to big of portions of food, not watching the amount of salad dressing I was using on my salad, nibbling on food while I cooked, using way too much ketchup, too many late night snacks,. I could go on. I switched my on line tracking from weight watchers to My Fitness Pal. Please don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers! But I needed to be more accurate. Just for now. Sometimes when we are stuck, it helps to change things around. There is no"magic" diet. there are many healthy "vehicles" that will take you down the path to weight loss. I like to switch it up a bit, and keep it fresh. After a week of taking inventory on my food. I was down 8 pounds! It is always the brightest after the darkest night.

   I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with my trainers. (They are so amazing!) we decided to weigh weekly instead of monthly. This helped greatly. I've actually been weighing every morning. Not obsessively but keeping close track. It's just to easy for me to have a " little treat" since I don't weigh for a month or even a week. Isn't it amazing the head games we play with ourself? I. Really Appreciate my trainers for never shaming me, yet being very honest. I trust them, I know everything they do is for my own good. Weight lose is a very personal thing, more complex, the heavier you are. It's a delicate balance between being honest and out of denial, and confronting our flaws. It takes a lot of trust to be this transparent. I am in awe of the emotional maturity of these young 20-something's. they are wise beyond their years. That's what happens when you are doing the very thing you are passionate about.

  It was pointed out to me that I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself in the past. Which was annoying and exhausting to my friend. Ouch! That hurt. Pretty bad, actually. But, I guess there is some truth to it. I hear that a lot about people who think someone is wallowing in their grief or sorrow too long. I have worn out a lot of friends. I feel bad about that. But I want to thank those of you that have been merciful, and a steady force in my life. You are truly special people. You have been Jesus to me. It was selfless and humbling to me. Blessings to all of. You.

   One more thing I have added to my weight loss program is a life coach. This was another "God thing". I've not shared it with very many people, because it is deeply personal. This opportunity just fell in my lap. A dear friend recently came back into my life via Facebook. It's a very long story, but she is mentoring people through their emotional hurdles. She offered to help me. This is one more piece to the recovery I have needed. In only a few short weeks I have found some much needed peace. My journey is long, but I trust God, and with every step he has given me what I needed, at that very moment. "I will sing of the Mercies of The Lord forever....."

   Blessings to all of you. I so appreciate your reading my blog. It makes my journey less lonely.

Kathy

 

 

Meat Loaf

   Dr. Phil says you can not rely on will power. What? I use to say, without willpower I would be even bigger, if that's possible. Then I listened closer. To be successful at weight loss you must set yourself up for suscess, not falilour.

   So, what does this have to do with meat loaf? Well I can't think of a better meal than my Moms meatloaf, with corn and mashed potatoes. Smothered in butter of course. And the left overs! It's so good to eat cold on a couple of pieces of buttered toast with a big glass of whole milk. Tonight I made meatloaf. I made it with a weight watcher recipe. I had roasted Brussels sprouts with it. I took a warm shower while it was cooking in my toaster oven. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, do you? I thought of those words of Dr Phil's. Now how can I apply this to my meal tonight? What are my biggest struggles? For one thing, portions, and the other leftovers. So after my shower, I went in the kitchen to plate my food. I carved off the approperate amount for one portion. Loaded the rest of my plate with my sprouts. And right then, wrapped the rest of the meatloaf in foil, and put it in the freezer. Imedeately! I did not ever let it cool off. I feel really good, kinda proud. Which boost my confidence and lowers temptations. Much better than hearing that meatloaf call my name about midnight, so I could sneak in the kitchen and finish it off. It will be frozen solid by then.

   Do you have habits that stop you from success? Things that sabotoge your goals. Maybe it's the extra big bag of chips that you can't leave alone after it's open. Maybe you need to buy them snack size. What about the food you have on hand for other family members or grandchildren. I know, I know, why should they have to suffer just because your will power is not strong enough? Well, trust me, they will suffer more when they find you dead on the kitchen floor. Besides, loving food is your love language, not theirs. There are many ways to love people without food. What about making a personal rule, no eating in the car and no drive ups. This allows you to think first before you just blow through McD's for that Big Mac special. Whatever it is, be really truthful with yourself and set your life up for success. Be blessed everyone! The workout mafia are coming tomorrow, I better get some rest!