It is 1:40 AM, and I can not sleep. This is the toughest part of turning my life around. The first urge I have is to go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. I'm not hungry. At least not belly hungry. This hunger is in my head, no, my heart. I am so use to automatically shoving every feeling I have down with food. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Loneliness for one, tired, empty, worry about my finances, relationships, my future, the list goes on. Everyone has feelings, it's part of being human. But sometime in my life long ago, I connected food with every emotion, especially the ones that are lonely.
When I was a little girl, my father use to take me down town Sioux City on Saturdays. My Mom worked at the old Yonkers store. She worked Saturdays and my father was in charge of me. I remember holding his hand down town and going to the candy counter at J. C. Pennies, I could get a nickels worth of any candy I wanted. That was a nice little treat in the 60s. I felt loved when my Dad took me there. My Father was not a good communicator, at least with his feelings. He had a good heart, and loved me very much, but was not real verbal. His love language to me was food. Food was so important to him. My father grew up very poor in the depression. Many times he shared the story of how he would get only a slice of bread for Supper with lard spread on it. Food meant security, to him, so therefore, food was sacred and giving someone food, was his love language.
I think maybe I associate food with love, and security. In my lonely times I feel comforted by food. I have noticed I struggle when I feel any kind of anxiety. Do any of you feel this way? I'd love to hear your story.
Tonight I choose to blog. Hoping maybe I could feed that hunger with something other than food. I want God to fill that space, I pray for that. But the hunger still sneaks up on me. Willpower will always let you down. This journey to good health is going to need more than willpower. I have to set myself up for success. Make sure I have a plan for moments like these. I close the kitchen off, mentally, I put a piece of fruit or something on the bathroom counter and this keeps me from having to go in the kitchen. If I go in there, I'm doomed. But I want to get to the bottom of this, its' not about the food, its about the empty hole inside of me. Maybe this is the solution, blog, talk, write, nurture myself. I do feel better now. I hesitate publishing this post, because I think I sound crazy. A naturally thin person would never understand this. But I will, just for my friends and readers who struggle the same as I. You are not alone. I will never give up, and you better not either. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh adventure. Be blessed!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Chili Day in Nebraska
A New Day!
Yesterday was such a great day. My workouts feel better, it is turning into a different kind of pain. I'm walking more and better. I really made a connection with my trainers yesterday. It was like we were on the same page. Until yesterday, I just did what I was told (most of the time). Yesterday I got on board planning my new health lifestyle. I could tell on their faces they felt the same. It's a funny thing to change your life. It's like waking from a coma. I was in a fog for a while, and now, I see things clearer.
Now I'm not doing everything perfectly. I still struggle with getting myself going, and out of that depressing state of mind. But I act on fact rather than feelings, most of the time. I don't feel like getting going in the morning, but I know in spite of what I feel, I have several things I need to do in my day to reach my goal, and I can't do them from my bed! Sometimes you just have to think baby steps. Just do something, is my motto these days.
I'm not a menu planner. I can't live that way, anymore than I could plan what I'm going to wear weeks in advance. Now I'm not suggesting you throw your menus out the window. Everyone had different ways of doing things. So, tonight I just did not know what to make for Dinner. I had a pound of ground beef thawing. What I wanted was my all time binge food, Spaghetti in a Bolognese sauce, with tons of parmigiano reggiano sprinkled on top of a mountain of pasta. I needed to make something healthy, and satisfying. So, I chopped tons of onions, and peppers, browned the beef, and made some very healthy lite chili. It's simmering on the stove as I write this. I will measure the amount of oyster crackers I use. I had to make something I liked so I would not feel I was punishing myself. My point is, sometimes I look at things too black and white. I use to think if I did not get what I wanted I was denying myself and felt deprived. But usually there is a grey area. I also had to tell myself that I could make my pasta dish any time, Spaghetti noodles were going to be around the rest of my life. Sometimes it's just easier to not say no, just say, not now.
I won't be eating cinnamon rolls with my chili, as all good midwesterners do. I 'll have some fresh veggies and hummus. Just for tonight. Some other day, maybe, just not tonight. Sometimes it just seems like I get a craving and I seem to react like it's my only opportunity to eat what I'm craving. This whole food thing, is so hard to get in perspective. But I won't give up! I've always felt I would get healthy, and this is my time. Blessings everyone!
Yesterday was such a great day. My workouts feel better, it is turning into a different kind of pain. I'm walking more and better. I really made a connection with my trainers yesterday. It was like we were on the same page. Until yesterday, I just did what I was told (most of the time). Yesterday I got on board planning my new health lifestyle. I could tell on their faces they felt the same. It's a funny thing to change your life. It's like waking from a coma. I was in a fog for a while, and now, I see things clearer.
Now I'm not doing everything perfectly. I still struggle with getting myself going, and out of that depressing state of mind. But I act on fact rather than feelings, most of the time. I don't feel like getting going in the morning, but I know in spite of what I feel, I have several things I need to do in my day to reach my goal, and I can't do them from my bed! Sometimes you just have to think baby steps. Just do something, is my motto these days.
I'm not a menu planner. I can't live that way, anymore than I could plan what I'm going to wear weeks in advance. Now I'm not suggesting you throw your menus out the window. Everyone had different ways of doing things. So, tonight I just did not know what to make for Dinner. I had a pound of ground beef thawing. What I wanted was my all time binge food, Spaghetti in a Bolognese sauce, with tons of parmigiano reggiano sprinkled on top of a mountain of pasta. I needed to make something healthy, and satisfying. So, I chopped tons of onions, and peppers, browned the beef, and made some very healthy lite chili. It's simmering on the stove as I write this. I will measure the amount of oyster crackers I use. I had to make something I liked so I would not feel I was punishing myself. My point is, sometimes I look at things too black and white. I use to think if I did not get what I wanted I was denying myself and felt deprived. But usually there is a grey area. I also had to tell myself that I could make my pasta dish any time, Spaghetti noodles were going to be around the rest of my life. Sometimes it's just easier to not say no, just say, not now.
I won't be eating cinnamon rolls with my chili, as all good midwesterners do. I 'll have some fresh veggies and hummus. Just for tonight. Some other day, maybe, just not tonight. Sometimes it just seems like I get a craving and I seem to react like it's my only opportunity to eat what I'm craving. This whole food thing, is so hard to get in perspective. But I won't give up! I've always felt I would get healthy, and this is my time. Blessings everyone!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Weigh in Day
I have my trainers coming tomorrow, and its weigh in day. I am very nervous. I just have no idea what that scale will say. But I know, after my little breakdown last Thursday, I will be fine no matter what the numbers say. Part of the balancing act is not letting the numbers measure your worth, yet they are a tangible evidence of progress. A number on the scale should not have the power to define your happiness. My joy and happiness started when I made the decision to take care of myself. It's not when that "magic" number appears on the scale.
last time I lost a lot of weight, I was over the moon when my journey took me under 400 pounds. When I started gaining, and got back over 400, I felt ugly, and a failure. So how can the same number bring me emotions on both sides of the spectrum? What is joy and happiness anyway? I define it as being content with who you are, not what you are. Mine comes from who I am in Christ. I know that in spite of how I feel, I have the same value, always.
My motto today is, "do something" it fits in with the "progress not perfection" theory. If your task, day or workout seems overwhelming, STOP THINKING, and do something. As tiny as it may be, do it. You can't make progress doing nothing. Just do something, and most of the time, you will be surprised how much momentum you will gain. Have a great evening everyone! Blessings!
last time I lost a lot of weight, I was over the moon when my journey took me under 400 pounds. When I started gaining, and got back over 400, I felt ugly, and a failure. So how can the same number bring me emotions on both sides of the spectrum? What is joy and happiness anyway? I define it as being content with who you are, not what you are. Mine comes from who I am in Christ. I know that in spite of how I feel, I have the same value, always.
My motto today is, "do something" it fits in with the "progress not perfection" theory. If your task, day or workout seems overwhelming, STOP THINKING, and do something. As tiny as it may be, do it. You can't make progress doing nothing. Just do something, and most of the time, you will be surprised how much momentum you will gain. Have a great evening everyone! Blessings!
Making Hummus
I made Hummus. If you have not tried this high protein fiber filled dip, you really should.
This is what I used to make my Hummus. 3 cans drained garbonzo beans (or also called chickpeas) , 2 lemons, olive oil, tahini paste, (you can get that in the international food section, or just ask your grocer) roasted garlic, salt and pepper. I love using my Ninja blender for this, it works perfectly. Altho because of it's size I made this in 3 batches.
I started out roasting my garlic. You can use raw, but I find it too sharp and strong, I love roasted garlic. just cut off the top, drizzle some olive oil salt and pepper, wrap in foil, bake at 400 for 30 minutes. I roasted it last night along with my roasted veggies.
This is what it looks like after its roasted and the garlic is squeezed out. It's so fragrant and delicious! 
Just blend it all together until smooth.
I drizzled some more olive oil on top, salt and pepper. I will give some away, freeze some and eat some this week. I hope you make some, it is a superfood!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Roasted Veggies with Quinoa and Beef Tips
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| I started out slicing and stir frying a particle frozen 1 pound beef tip. |
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| I gathered the veggies I wanted to use. (basically cleaned out my fridge) |
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| I rough chopped the veggies sprayed with olive oil, and shook some fajita seasoning on them. Put them in a 400 degree oven for 40 minutes. (I used my handy dandy toaster oven) |
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| I had some quinoa left from the other day. when I cooked this under the directions on the package, I added a bouillon cube to add flavor. Then just heated up in the microwave. |
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| I added the stir fried beef. and put it all together on a bed of quinoa. This is the final product. (forgive the messy plate, I am sure I will get better at this as time goes by) Oh my Goodness was this good! better than stir fry, because the roasted veggies were caramelized and the flavor was concentrated. Very very filling. The fajita seasoning was awesome. I will for sure make this again. |
Saturday, January 26, 2013
First Post
Welcome to the first posting on my new lifestyle blog. All of this is so new to me, so please be patient with me as I learn to navigate myself in the world of blogging.
First a little about myself. I am from Nebraska. I was a hairdresser, salon owner for 24 years. I am widowed, and working very hard to get healthy. It has become my full time job. I have over 300 pounds to lose. It seems like a tremendous amount. But I am the same as someone who has 20 pounds to lose. I argue with the same Oreo cookie you do. We both lose it one pound at a time, mine happens to be 300 times. this has been a struggle through out my life. I have had many successes and many
failures. But I never give up, and truly believe I will be able to achieve and maintain a healthy body.
As this blog goes on, I will fill in more details of my life. One warning, I am very open, outspoken, and sometimes irreverent. I do not have a potty mouth, but I use offensive words like fat and fatty. One more thing, I am head over heels in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will mention Him from time to time, but do not consider myself religious, and do not plan on shoving religion down anyones throat. Mine is a personal relationship with Christ, deeply intimate.
The most recent awaking I had was last Tuesday. I have been blessed to have a couple of trainers come to my home, pro bono, the last few weeks. They help me get my body moving and burn off some calories. I had gotten stuck, this summer I lost 50 pounds. It was time to push my boundaries. Honestly, I thought they would just sit me in a chair, and I would wave my arms around, eat healthy and the 300 would drop off. I was giving about 75%. My biggest struggles was not what I was eating, but how much. I was in denial and thought I was giving 100% and looking at my monsters in the face. I actually got a bit cocky about it. I had the luxury of personal trainers coming to my home, and fussing over me, and all I had to do was unlock the door and let them in my living room. I think for a while I thought I was Oprah. But NO! These girls have me figured out.
I had turned on my fat girl charm as usual, and became gushing nice, to win over these new friends. Don't most of us who are lifetime fatties have mechanisms we instill in our personalities to cope in this world and to make us likeable? Mine is being very cool, sweet as pie, smart, and generous to a fault. That is what this fat girl feels she needs to do to make friends. I have never though I was worth much to anyone as I was, unless I offered up something. If I was a 110 pound blue eyed blonde, I could just walk in a room and light it up. Now that I am aware of this behavior in myself, I can spot it right away in another fatty. I realize now, that the blue eyes blonde has issues of her own. We all struggle with something. I just wear mine. When you are fat, people see your sin visibly.
Any way, back to my trainers, we got to talking about weigh in day. The first of the month, I have been very nervous about this because I knew my 75% participation was not enough. I fessed up and shared my fear. I was expecting some support, maybe even sympathy, you know like when you have a gain at the WW meeting, and everyone tells you all the excuses that might have kept you from losing, so you won't feel bad and quit. We fatties are so supportive of each other. But sometimes too supportive. Well that's not what happened here. The blonde one started telling me bluntly what was going to happen to me if I did not give all I had. She explained if I kept on the road I was on, someday I would need a team of men and heavy equipment to take me to the hospital, another crew to just get me in the hospital bed, and I would lose even the tiny bit of dignity I had left. Then she went on to say it was pointless to waste her time and mine when there are many others who would love their help. But, she also told me she loved me and cared for me, she saw my worth and potential. You see, these girls care enough about me to take a chance at losing my friendship in order to teach me how to save my own life. This is the epitome of love and friendship. So I received my verbal spanking. It was embarrassing, and humiliating. I wanted to run, well shuffle, out of the room. It was awkward and uncomfortable. But it was truth. The point I want to make is, no matter what that scale says on Tuesday, I have turned things around. I am eating very mindfully and carefully, and ready to give them 110% Tuesday. There is no comfortable way to good health, but there is nothing comfortable about trying to live as a 456 pound woman. Yep, I said it, the big number. You were all curious anyway. That number does not define who I am, or by any measure of how lovable and worthwhile I am. I am stepping out of shame, and getting real. I have a lot more to say, so get ready. This is going to be a bumpy ride. But I will promise you one thing, it won't be boring. Blessings everyone!
First a little about myself. I am from Nebraska. I was a hairdresser, salon owner for 24 years. I am widowed, and working very hard to get healthy. It has become my full time job. I have over 300 pounds to lose. It seems like a tremendous amount. But I am the same as someone who has 20 pounds to lose. I argue with the same Oreo cookie you do. We both lose it one pound at a time, mine happens to be 300 times. this has been a struggle through out my life. I have had many successes and many
failures. But I never give up, and truly believe I will be able to achieve and maintain a healthy body.
As this blog goes on, I will fill in more details of my life. One warning, I am very open, outspoken, and sometimes irreverent. I do not have a potty mouth, but I use offensive words like fat and fatty. One more thing, I am head over heels in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will mention Him from time to time, but do not consider myself religious, and do not plan on shoving religion down anyones throat. Mine is a personal relationship with Christ, deeply intimate.
The most recent awaking I had was last Tuesday. I have been blessed to have a couple of trainers come to my home, pro bono, the last few weeks. They help me get my body moving and burn off some calories. I had gotten stuck, this summer I lost 50 pounds. It was time to push my boundaries. Honestly, I thought they would just sit me in a chair, and I would wave my arms around, eat healthy and the 300 would drop off. I was giving about 75%. My biggest struggles was not what I was eating, but how much. I was in denial and thought I was giving 100% and looking at my monsters in the face. I actually got a bit cocky about it. I had the luxury of personal trainers coming to my home, and fussing over me, and all I had to do was unlock the door and let them in my living room. I think for a while I thought I was Oprah. But NO! These girls have me figured out.
I had turned on my fat girl charm as usual, and became gushing nice, to win over these new friends. Don't most of us who are lifetime fatties have mechanisms we instill in our personalities to cope in this world and to make us likeable? Mine is being very cool, sweet as pie, smart, and generous to a fault. That is what this fat girl feels she needs to do to make friends. I have never though I was worth much to anyone as I was, unless I offered up something. If I was a 110 pound blue eyed blonde, I could just walk in a room and light it up. Now that I am aware of this behavior in myself, I can spot it right away in another fatty. I realize now, that the blue eyes blonde has issues of her own. We all struggle with something. I just wear mine. When you are fat, people see your sin visibly.
Any way, back to my trainers, we got to talking about weigh in day. The first of the month, I have been very nervous about this because I knew my 75% participation was not enough. I fessed up and shared my fear. I was expecting some support, maybe even sympathy, you know like when you have a gain at the WW meeting, and everyone tells you all the excuses that might have kept you from losing, so you won't feel bad and quit. We fatties are so supportive of each other. But sometimes too supportive. Well that's not what happened here. The blonde one started telling me bluntly what was going to happen to me if I did not give all I had. She explained if I kept on the road I was on, someday I would need a team of men and heavy equipment to take me to the hospital, another crew to just get me in the hospital bed, and I would lose even the tiny bit of dignity I had left. Then she went on to say it was pointless to waste her time and mine when there are many others who would love their help. But, she also told me she loved me and cared for me, she saw my worth and potential. You see, these girls care enough about me to take a chance at losing my friendship in order to teach me how to save my own life. This is the epitome of love and friendship. So I received my verbal spanking. It was embarrassing, and humiliating. I wanted to run, well shuffle, out of the room. It was awkward and uncomfortable. But it was truth. The point I want to make is, no matter what that scale says on Tuesday, I have turned things around. I am eating very mindfully and carefully, and ready to give them 110% Tuesday. There is no comfortable way to good health, but there is nothing comfortable about trying to live as a 456 pound woman. Yep, I said it, the big number. You were all curious anyway. That number does not define who I am, or by any measure of how lovable and worthwhile I am. I am stepping out of shame, and getting real. I have a lot more to say, so get ready. This is going to be a bumpy ride. But I will promise you one thing, it won't be boring. Blessings everyone!
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