It is 1:40 AM, and I can not sleep. This is the toughest part of turning my life around. The first urge I have is to go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. I'm not hungry. At least not belly hungry. This hunger is in my head, no, my heart. I am so use to automatically shoving every feeling I have down with food. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Loneliness for one, tired, empty, worry about my finances, relationships, my future, the list goes on. Everyone has feelings, it's part of being human. But sometime in my life long ago, I connected food with every emotion, especially the ones that are lonely.
When I was a little girl, my father use to take me down town Sioux City on Saturdays. My Mom worked at the old Yonkers store. She worked Saturdays and my father was in charge of me. I remember holding his hand down town and going to the candy counter at J. C. Pennies, I could get a nickels worth of any candy I wanted. That was a nice little treat in the 60s. I felt loved when my Dad took me there. My Father was not a good communicator, at least with his feelings. He had a good heart, and loved me very much, but was not real verbal. His love language to me was food. Food was so important to him. My father grew up very poor in the depression. Many times he shared the story of how he would get only a slice of bread for Supper with lard spread on it. Food meant security, to him, so therefore, food was sacred and giving someone food, was his love language.
I think maybe I associate food with love, and security. In my lonely times I feel comforted by food. I have noticed I struggle when I feel any kind of anxiety. Do any of you feel this way? I'd love to hear your story.
Tonight I choose to blog. Hoping maybe I could feed that hunger with something other than food. I want God to fill that space, I pray for that. But the hunger still sneaks up on me. Willpower will always let you down. This journey to good health is going to need more than willpower. I have to set myself up for success. Make sure I have a plan for moments like these. I close the kitchen off, mentally, I put a piece of fruit or something on the bathroom counter and this keeps me from having to go in the kitchen. If I go in there, I'm doomed. But I want to get to the bottom of this, its' not about the food, its about the empty hole inside of me. Maybe this is the solution, blog, talk, write, nurture myself. I do feel better now. I hesitate publishing this post, because I think I sound crazy. A naturally thin person would never understand this. But I will, just for my friends and readers who struggle the same as I. You are not alone. I will never give up, and you better not either. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh adventure. Be blessed!
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