Sleepless in Nebraska

   Well, it's 5 am, and I've been up all night. I've been doing tons of thinking. Yesterday was weigh in day. I think I was down 2 pounds. I say "think" because every time I stepped on the scale it varied 2 pounds up then down. But the number that showed 2 pound loss came up more often, so I'll take it.
But I really need a big number. Maybe I watch Biggest Loser too much, but I know I can do this better and in a healthy way. I'm still not as active as I could be. I will do better this week. I think I need to tweak my eating even more. Less carbs, more protein and veggies. I need to view carbs as a condiment.

   I had my trainer video my workout on my iPad today. I was not going to watch it, but I did. I'm trying to record this whole journey I'm on. When I looked at the video, I did not reconize that girl working out. I don't see myself that big from the inside. Wow, talk about denile! I think I will use this for a weight loss tool when ever I'm tempted to eat too much or lay in bed too long. Ill just take a look at reality. It's weird how we view our own bodies. I'm so unactractive right now. No, I really am. being unhealthy is not pretty. There is so much shame in the self abuse. No wonder some of my friends have given up on me and view me as pathetic. I've also become very good at shoving people away to avoid rejection. But God never moves. He stayed near, sometimes so quiet I don't realize He is there, and sometimes so loud and obvious, I feel his presents. When I give him a shove, he not only stands solid, but embraces me more in those times I feel worthless and ugly. I have a handful of friends that do the same.

Tomorrow I will set my week up for success. I will chop and clean veggies, and do something productive. Maybe sew a little. I just have to be productive again. I think I'm on the verge of another breakthrough. There are so many layers to peel off. Every time I feel I've taken a leap, there is another layer. God is teaching me so much. But I'm kind of in a hurry. I'm getting older, and I have a very long bucket list. I want to start really living. But, this will take time and patience. I really dug myself deep this time. Oh but the sweet success, will be so worth it.

   I think I'm doing too much rambling, must be the lack of sleep. Have a good day everyone! Be blessed!