Self Pity

   Here is part of the writing about self pity, from the devotional "Jesus Calling"


Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don’t even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.

   This is again one of my bare naked confessions. I am not proud of this part of my character at all. It's a part of me I have asked God to deliver me from. But being bound by shame is much harder than exposing my character flaws. 

   I have been kidnapped by self pity for 12 years now. I had a good excuse to fall into that pit and stay there. I had dealt with the death of my parents, my aunt, who was like a grandmother to me. Rejection from most of my family. I was married for 6 years and my husband suddenly died. All of my finances were depleted due to my husbands bad health. I felt abandoned and alone. I gained 200 pounds. There is much more, but I think you get the picture. This situation got me a lot of sympathy. And I milked it for all it was worth. I'm not proud of that either. But I was stuck, felt hopeless, and worthless. 

   I prayed for God to free me from my misery. I tried to end it myself December 25, 2011. I sat in my garage, in my car, garage door shut, trying to find the courage to end it all. I was too scared, and because of my belief in what would happen to my soul, I chose to live. I think way down deep, I knew I was worth more than to end my life that way. 

   So I lived in a simple existence. I tried every way I knew how to reboot my life again. I loved the Lord, but could not understand why he was torturing me this way. I wallowed and wallowed in my own poop. Yes POOP! There is some comfort in that, it's warm, it's mine, but it STINKS! I got weary of the way this wallowing isolated me from my friends, and stopped me from enjoying the things in life that bought me joy. I had reason to feel bad, I was dealt a bad hand. I was judged and abandoned from the very people I thought I needed in my life. I was broke, I was huge, sleeping and eating were my only pleasures in life. My dreams in my sleep had become better than my real life. 

   Somewhere in all my misery, I called out to God to rescue me. He answered my prayers, but in a very  unexpected way. And not Suddenly, or magically. It was a slow evolution of answered prayer. One step at a time. little by little he put one tiny step in front of me, sometimes so subtle that I hardly noticed I was climbing out of that pit. I am still climbing, I will be until I take my last breath on this earth. But the difference now is, when I look back, it takes my breath away. I see the progress. I have lost 93 pounds, taking better care of my body, I have trainers that are helping and guide me to a place I never dreamed I could go. I have a dear sweet patient life coach, who gently tells me like it is, and a relationship with my Lord and Savior that I did not know could exist. This is growth, but not arrival. I have learned that there is no arrival. So you better just relax and enjoy the journey. This philosophy helps me to stay in today, and enjoy the gift of life daily, instead of expecting that magic moment to arrive. Or that magic number on the scale that will bring me joy the second I achieve it. 

   Today, I am grateful for the grace of God. I am grateful for the way He takes the rubble of our lives and makes something beautiful. My battles are my treasures. Only God can do that.Here is the rest of the devotional from "Jesus Calling".   Be blessed everyone! 

There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity. When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself. Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit. Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me. Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord.
—Psalm 89:15

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
—Hebrews 12:1–2 nasb

Plateau

   It's been a strange weight loss month. I was on a nasty plateau for a month. It really had a grip on me, and in spite of the standard reasons and classic excuses, I was losing confidence in myself, fast. Deep down in I knew what I was doing wrong. But don't we all? I do think there are times when we don't have a good response on the scale, but I also think there are more times we use excuses and don't look at ourselves honestly. There's a lot of denial in losing weight. Lots!

  I'm going to confess my short comings that were sabotaging my loss. Too much peanut butter on my toast in the morning, too big of a "splash" of sugar free creamer in my coffee, way to big of portions of food, not watching the amount of salad dressing I was using on my salad, nibbling on food while I cooked, using way too much ketchup, too many late night snacks,. I could go on. I switched my on line tracking from weight watchers to My Fitness Pal. Please don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers! But I needed to be more accurate. Just for now. Sometimes when we are stuck, it helps to change things around. There is no"magic" diet. there are many healthy "vehicles" that will take you down the path to weight loss. I like to switch it up a bit, and keep it fresh. After a week of taking inventory on my food. I was down 8 pounds! It is always the brightest after the darkest night.

   I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with my trainers. (They are so amazing!) we decided to weigh weekly instead of monthly. This helped greatly. I've actually been weighing every morning. Not obsessively but keeping close track. It's just to easy for me to have a " little treat" since I don't weigh for a month or even a week. Isn't it amazing the head games we play with ourself? I. Really Appreciate my trainers for never shaming me, yet being very honest. I trust them, I know everything they do is for my own good. Weight lose is a very personal thing, more complex, the heavier you are. It's a delicate balance between being honest and out of denial, and confronting our flaws. It takes a lot of trust to be this transparent. I am in awe of the emotional maturity of these young 20-something's. they are wise beyond their years. That's what happens when you are doing the very thing you are passionate about.

  It was pointed out to me that I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself in the past. Which was annoying and exhausting to my friend. Ouch! That hurt. Pretty bad, actually. But, I guess there is some truth to it. I hear that a lot about people who think someone is wallowing in their grief or sorrow too long. I have worn out a lot of friends. I feel bad about that. But I want to thank those of you that have been merciful, and a steady force in my life. You are truly special people. You have been Jesus to me. It was selfless and humbling to me. Blessings to all of. You.

   One more thing I have added to my weight loss program is a life coach. This was another "God thing". I've not shared it with very many people, because it is deeply personal. This opportunity just fell in my lap. A dear friend recently came back into my life via Facebook. It's a very long story, but she is mentoring people through their emotional hurdles. She offered to help me. This is one more piece to the recovery I have needed. In only a few short weeks I have found some much needed peace. My journey is long, but I trust God, and with every step he has given me what I needed, at that very moment. "I will sing of the Mercies of The Lord forever....."

   Blessings to all of you. I so appreciate your reading my blog. It makes my journey less lonely.

Kathy

 

 

Meat Loaf

   Dr. Phil says you can not rely on will power. What? I use to say, without willpower I would be even bigger, if that's possible. Then I listened closer. To be successful at weight loss you must set yourself up for suscess, not falilour.

   So, what does this have to do with meat loaf? Well I can't think of a better meal than my Moms meatloaf, with corn and mashed potatoes. Smothered in butter of course. And the left overs! It's so good to eat cold on a couple of pieces of buttered toast with a big glass of whole milk. Tonight I made meatloaf. I made it with a weight watcher recipe. I had roasted Brussels sprouts with it. I took a warm shower while it was cooking in my toaster oven. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, do you? I thought of those words of Dr Phil's. Now how can I apply this to my meal tonight? What are my biggest struggles? For one thing, portions, and the other leftovers. So after my shower, I went in the kitchen to plate my food. I carved off the approperate amount for one portion. Loaded the rest of my plate with my sprouts. And right then, wrapped the rest of the meatloaf in foil, and put it in the freezer. Imedeately! I did not ever let it cool off. I feel really good, kinda proud. Which boost my confidence and lowers temptations. Much better than hearing that meatloaf call my name about midnight, so I could sneak in the kitchen and finish it off. It will be frozen solid by then.

   Do you have habits that stop you from success? Things that sabotoge your goals. Maybe it's the extra big bag of chips that you can't leave alone after it's open. Maybe you need to buy them snack size. What about the food you have on hand for other family members or grandchildren. I know, I know, why should they have to suffer just because your will power is not strong enough? Well, trust me, they will suffer more when they find you dead on the kitchen floor. Besides, loving food is your love language, not theirs. There are many ways to love people without food. What about making a personal rule, no eating in the car and no drive ups. This allows you to think first before you just blow through McD's for that Big Mac special. Whatever it is, be really truthful with yourself and set your life up for success. Be blessed everyone! The workout mafia are coming tomorrow, I better get some rest!

It's 4:17 AM!

   Well another sleepless night. It's my own falt, I have done very little this weekend. It's no excuse, but I was alone for days, and honestly, that last workout on Friday busted my butt! All of this inactivity messes up my sleep. I may as well get use to it, I'm starting to post about the pain far too much. As Honey Boo Boo's Momma June says, " it is what it is". I love that woman. Progress can really be painful.

   I'm anxious about Tuesdays weigh in. I've been really careful with food, in fact I eat under the Weight Watcher points I get. I may be wrong but some say if you don't eat enough your body holds the fat and goes into survival mode. I just don't buy that. I need to be consistent when eating my veggies. I eat plenty, but like yesterday, I did not eat enough. I'm looking into a local farmer here in the area that does a food coop. You pay an up front fee, and weekly,  from May through September you get lots of veggies and a good variety. Fresh veggies are hard for me to keep stocked, since I have help getting groceries so can't go frequently, and the price. It is kinda pricy to eat healthy.  So I'm praying I can come up with the money.

   I'm really working on moving forward and stops looking back. I think that's what had me stuck for so long. I kept reliving my past, wishing I could redo some of it, and grieving the losses, be it old friends, or family and friend that have passed away. I think too much, I'm alone and in the house too much. I know what to do. I just need to apply it. I know I'm doing great, but I can always do better. I'm not striving for mediocre, I'm striving for excellence. It's a lifetime process of sharpening the saw.
 

   Have a happy Monday everyone! Make the best of this fresh new day.

Laminations 3:23

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Mercy Me!

   I'm in pain! Real pain. If I had not worked out today and just woke feeling this bad, I would surely go to the ER. I'm not being dramatic, it's that real. But no amount of pain will stop me from getting well. This kind of pain feels good. Like my trainer says, Pain is weakness leaving your body.

   I lost a friend today. Someone I was very close to at one time. We had a long history. I was the family friend that stopped by randomly to have family time, the kind a single person craves. This family were my lifeline, they still are. But my friend chose a different path. The path of addiction. It destroyed his marriage, his family, most of his relationships with friends and God, and his business.  It could be me, it should be me. There is little difference between an alcoholic and a food addict. We are both trying to fill that God shaped hole in out heart with our drug of choice. My friend was my age, he had a beautiful family and adorable grandchildren.

   I can't bring my friend back. But I can learn something. I can  Really listen to what God is teaching me. I don't believe God took his life, but I do believe God uses these things to teach us something.

   So back to my pain. No amount of work or pain is as bad as feeling like you are simply breathing, but dead. Pain makes me feel alive! I know I'm making progress. This is the hardest physical work I've done to get healthy,  ever. In 96 when I lost 200 pounds, I was unhealthy, but younger and stronger. This is a whole new experience. So bring it on, I'm ready to live! I am willing to work as hard as it takes to get back into life again. We serve a God of Second chances. (Sometimes third or fourth) I am looking forward to tomorrow morning when I'm rested up, the pain has reduced itself to a dull ache. I will have less shuffle in my step, my faith built up a little more, and confidence knowing I will be more than a conqueror.

Romans 8:37

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Be blessed everyone!

Tattle Tale

   Most of us that have been trying to lose weight, know deep down inside what it is that is keeping us from losing. It's just hard to face it, let alone expose it to someone. I believe we will never get a grip on this until we expose our most vulnerable and shameful habits to someone safe. That is a tough thing to do when we have protected ourselves so long from being judged and shamed. But this can be so healing. One reason being, we have created accountability. That is a powerful thing. I call it tattling on myself. Once it's out there, there is no turning back. But it does more. Being free elevates our self esteem and boosts confidence. And it only works if we tattle on Ourselves.  Most of the time it will not be recieved well if you try helping someone by tattling on them.  But you have to tattle to someone safe, someone on your team, someone you trust. I'm grateful I can do that with my team of trainers. As the weeks go by, I have developed a relationship that allows me to do this. Little by little more secrets I release and the freer I become. This makes the road to health so much easier.

   We can really be in denile of what is killing us. One fellow fatty I knew, in conversation, told me she had a refrigerator in her bedroom. She really thought it was no big deal that she, in her 40s, lived at home, spent most of her time in the bedroom and had a refrigerator in her room. It's pretty obvious to you and me that fridge was stoping her from getting up and moving around, it isolated her, and made binging more convient. When I called her on it she was livid! She got very defensive and it actually stressed our relationship. Another friend had a husband that sabotoged her weight loss efforts. He said he wanted her to lose weight, but kept bringing doughnuts and goodies home to his 400 pound wife. She ended up getting bypass surgery, and during her recovery her husband would bring her cheeseburgers and fast food. She died shortly after. This is serious you guys, it's those secrets that are killing us.

   It is really up to us to let down those guards and open your life for the world to see. When we do this, step by step the sun starts shining into our lives. And to those of you who are believers, it's scriptural. We are to confess our sins, disciple each other and be accountable. That is true tattle taling at its very best.

James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Take care everyone, remember, people need people. Blessings! 

Sleepless in Nebraska

   Well, it's 5 am, and I've been up all night. I've been doing tons of thinking. Yesterday was weigh in day. I think I was down 2 pounds. I say "think" because every time I stepped on the scale it varied 2 pounds up then down. But the number that showed 2 pound loss came up more often, so I'll take it.
But I really need a big number. Maybe I watch Biggest Loser too much, but I know I can do this better and in a healthy way. I'm still not as active as I could be. I will do better this week. I think I need to tweak my eating even more. Less carbs, more protein and veggies. I need to view carbs as a condiment.

   I had my trainer video my workout on my iPad today. I was not going to watch it, but I did. I'm trying to record this whole journey I'm on. When I looked at the video, I did not reconize that girl working out. I don't see myself that big from the inside. Wow, talk about denile! I think I will use this for a weight loss tool when ever I'm tempted to eat too much or lay in bed too long. Ill just take a look at reality. It's weird how we view our own bodies. I'm so unactractive right now. No, I really am. being unhealthy is not pretty. There is so much shame in the self abuse. No wonder some of my friends have given up on me and view me as pathetic. I've also become very good at shoving people away to avoid rejection. But God never moves. He stayed near, sometimes so quiet I don't realize He is there, and sometimes so loud and obvious, I feel his presents. When I give him a shove, he not only stands solid, but embraces me more in those times I feel worthless and ugly. I have a handful of friends that do the same.

Tomorrow I will set my week up for success. I will chop and clean veggies, and do something productive. Maybe sew a little. I just have to be productive again. I think I'm on the verge of another breakthrough. There are so many layers to peel off. Every time I feel I've taken a leap, there is another layer. God is teaching me so much. But I'm kind of in a hurry. I'm getting older, and I have a very long bucket list. I want to start really living. But, this will take time and patience. I really dug myself deep this time. Oh but the sweet success, will be so worth it.

   I think I'm doing too much rambling, must be the lack of sleep. Have a good day everyone! Be blessed!