Laying up treasures

I enjoy pop culture, I love watching ET, and entertainment tonight, I love reality TV, I love Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo. All that said, I do not understand the fasination with the Karidashians. Honey Boo Boo's Mom may not be sophiscated, but she has 10 times the good values the Karidations ever will. Ever since I have become poor, it sickens me to see self indulgent people validate themselves with their spending and rationalizing it all away. Creating their own universe by purchasing not only redicilous material things, but also wrapping themselves with yes men who fawn over them and glorify their behavior. If by some crazy chance I'd have money, I pray I could be real and smart.

In essence, I have done the very same with my obesity. I created my world too comfortable. Surrounding myself with people who never challenged me. Letting some others manipulate and controlling me with the bait and crumbs tossed my way.

Even having furniture a bed, and a car that accommodated my isolated little world. Creating a refuge that soon became my prison. And, I did it in the name of The Lord. We can rationalize any behavior away. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I reconize the forest, and realize I'm not alone without my guide. I am grateful for the sweet handful of friends who were there, never manipulating, criticizing or repulsed by me. You have stood by me ay mt worst moments, constantly there. I have a very long road ahead, and I know my Heavenly Father and you few saints that stood by will always be there. God is faithful, ALL THE TIME.

Dear Depression......

Dear depression,

You have been like a bad marriage. So familiar I can't let go. Yet, one of the most destructive forces in my life. You come in waves, hanging, hovering close most of the time, yet the moments I get some distance from you, I almost feel joy again. You cloud my judgement. Then your presents shadows me, and I feel your bondage.  I have allowed you to control way too much of my life. Every time I run, you find me. Please leave, you are not welcome here anymore. I will not welcome you to stay any longer. Your Guest room is being taken over with the warmth  of, love, security, confidence, and creativity. You are a lousy companion. You never fill that empty place, you stay too long, make a mess, demand my full attention, then expect me to pick up behind you. 

   When you shadow over me, I feel cold, lonely, and hopeless. My friends are so tired of you hanging around that many have walked away from my friendship. You have no right to kill my joy or have such control over my personal, or love life. You have caused my friends to judge me by your presents. They see you and don't get the pleasure of enjoying who I am. I sometimes don't even remember who I am. You will never overwhelm, nor paralize me ever again. 

   I won't take it anymore. I know as I walk through my new life, I will still hear your fantom call. But it's not real, you are not welcome here. You have no power over me any longer. I deserve joy, relationships, freedom, travel, love, health, financial peace...not your dark shadow and constant weight dragging me down and making me feel weary. You have no choice, no negotiations here. I and my Heavenly Father are in control. Please take all your baggage with you as you leave. I don't want your isolation, sadness, pathetic presence. This is your final warning. If you try to contact me again you will get no response and I will call the authorities. (Jesus Christ) 

Respectfully,

Kathleen Lynn Miles

CEO of Totally Kathy Inc.

Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-depression-15-helpful-scriptures/#ixzz2REmpiu00

It is Joy unspeakable and full of glory!

Nehemiah 8:10

" for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

   Joy. When you have it, it is easily taken for granted. I use to have joy. It's different than being happy. It's kind of a combination of contentment and happy. Joy is not a giddy feeling. It is calm and satisfying. Peaceful. Happiness comes and goes, it is often a feeling. It comes with events. I have occasional bouts of happiness. But I have not felt joy in a very long time. 
   I have shared this with very few people. Because when I share with the wrong person, they try to fix me by telling me to get out there, enjoy life, do things for others. Well, I've tried that, in fact I'm still trying. It's almost to the point where I get use to faking it, just to not hear being told what to do. I go through the motions hoping the magic will happen someday. Few people will just listen, and try to feel what someone is sharing. Is just easier to give advice and move on. I know I've been checked off as lazy, living in the past, whiny, having no faith, and hopeless. 
   I don't think God thinks any of those things about me. I believe He sees hope, and someone who in spite of her stumbling, always seems to pick herself up and move (maybe shuffle) forward. I just miss the Joy. I can't remember the last belly laugh I had. I want it back, but I don't know how. My dreams are better than my real life. When I wake, I pray I can get back to sleep because there is no reason to get up and get my day going other than to pee. So sleep is always my friend. 
   I know my potential and I have big dreams, but the clock keeps ticking, and soon another day, week, year is wasted. I'm watching my friends now become grandparents. I have not even known what it's like to be loved. I have spent my whole life caring for others. Losing everything I have, everything I worked for serving at the cost of myself. Even my job as a hairdresser was service. I was never the bridesmaid, always the personal attendant, doing hair in a steamy church nursery. When they all died, so did my purpose, and my sense of belonging. I see all your beautiful family and extended family pictures, and wonder what I did so bad to deserve this isolation. Blood is thicker than water. So don't tell me I have so many friends and people that love me. That is true, but there is always a line drawn. Always! I learned that lesson the hard way. I don't mind serving. We are susepose  to be servants. God commands it. I just want to be a joyful servant.
   But there is hope. I will hang onto that hope until I take my last breath. I believe someday I will get my joy back. I do know one thing, God is faithful and He keeps his promises. 
   

Cut the Cheese!

One of my favorite cups for coffee

The title of this entry might be a bit misleading. It's not really about passing gas. Altho, I do occasionally have the walking grandma farts when I first get out of bed. (TMI) Sometimes I wonder if I get to be in a healthy marriage someday,  how I'm going to prevent this. When you live alone, you have some, not so glamorous habits.

   I love cheese! I love good cheese. Jarlsburg, swiss, extra sharp Cheddar, blue cheese, I love it all. I can even be a bit of a snob. Altho a pot of mac and cheese made with velveeta would make my head turn. Most cheese is roughly 100 calories an ounce! That's the size of the tip of your thumb. I don't know about you but I can eat 5 or 6 ounces without batting an eye. I keep buying cheese, with the intention of eating it moderately. But a block of cheese in the fridge is like having pan of fudge on the counter. It usually calls me in the middle of the night, and I can sometimes end up eating cheese and crackers over the sink, in a dimly lit house.
   As of now all the cheese is out of my house. Except some shreaded cheddar in the freezer. I can restrained myself from that. Why is it we rationalize things in out head? I know I could have a love affair with a pound of Jarlsbourg. So why buy it? Isn't getting healthy way, way more important? I have chubby friends that constantly have temptationional food in their cupboards for their husband, children and grandchildren. And who ends up eating most of it? You! Don't you think your family members would gladly give up the convience of having those chips in the cupboard just to have you around a few more years? If they don't, then you have a bigger problem. If they truly love you, they will get on board. you must have full suport from your loved ones. (I said suport, not shame) They can get their chips outside your home. And if they really care, they will. But if you are anything like me, you don't address this issue because secretly or even unconsciously you want that stuff around. If you are addicted to food like me, there is a false calmness that comes after you have grocery shopped and your cupboards are full of food. I spend a lot of time in my head planning my next meal. This is part of that God shaped hole in my soul that I keep shoving food into. Only God can fill that place.
   I have been wanting to write on this blog about my awesome workouts with my trainers at the Y and talk a bit about an amazing life coach I am working with. But that will be another day. I don't believe it takes village to raise a child. I kinda think that's the parents responsibility. But I do believe it takes a village sometimes, to lose weight. We need a suport team each specializing in theirown specific area.
  Thanks for reading! I'm posting a picture of my no knead bread I made last week. It's so amazing. There is a lesson somewhere regarding taking simple ingredients such as flour, yeast, salt and water,
and creating an amazing loaf of bread. God does that with us. He takes the bare basics and makes us into dynamic human beings every day. Be blesses!

   http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=13Ah9ES2yTU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D13Ah9ES2yTU

Here is a link to the recipe. It's the best and easiest bread you will ever make! 

Self Pity

   Here is part of the writing about self pity, from the devotional "Jesus Calling"


Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don’t even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.

   This is again one of my bare naked confessions. I am not proud of this part of my character at all. It's a part of me I have asked God to deliver me from. But being bound by shame is much harder than exposing my character flaws. 

   I have been kidnapped by self pity for 12 years now. I had a good excuse to fall into that pit and stay there. I had dealt with the death of my parents, my aunt, who was like a grandmother to me. Rejection from most of my family. I was married for 6 years and my husband suddenly died. All of my finances were depleted due to my husbands bad health. I felt abandoned and alone. I gained 200 pounds. There is much more, but I think you get the picture. This situation got me a lot of sympathy. And I milked it for all it was worth. I'm not proud of that either. But I was stuck, felt hopeless, and worthless. 

   I prayed for God to free me from my misery. I tried to end it myself December 25, 2011. I sat in my garage, in my car, garage door shut, trying to find the courage to end it all. I was too scared, and because of my belief in what would happen to my soul, I chose to live. I think way down deep, I knew I was worth more than to end my life that way. 

   So I lived in a simple existence. I tried every way I knew how to reboot my life again. I loved the Lord, but could not understand why he was torturing me this way. I wallowed and wallowed in my own poop. Yes POOP! There is some comfort in that, it's warm, it's mine, but it STINKS! I got weary of the way this wallowing isolated me from my friends, and stopped me from enjoying the things in life that bought me joy. I had reason to feel bad, I was dealt a bad hand. I was judged and abandoned from the very people I thought I needed in my life. I was broke, I was huge, sleeping and eating were my only pleasures in life. My dreams in my sleep had become better than my real life. 

   Somewhere in all my misery, I called out to God to rescue me. He answered my prayers, but in a very  unexpected way. And not Suddenly, or magically. It was a slow evolution of answered prayer. One step at a time. little by little he put one tiny step in front of me, sometimes so subtle that I hardly noticed I was climbing out of that pit. I am still climbing, I will be until I take my last breath on this earth. But the difference now is, when I look back, it takes my breath away. I see the progress. I have lost 93 pounds, taking better care of my body, I have trainers that are helping and guide me to a place I never dreamed I could go. I have a dear sweet patient life coach, who gently tells me like it is, and a relationship with my Lord and Savior that I did not know could exist. This is growth, but not arrival. I have learned that there is no arrival. So you better just relax and enjoy the journey. This philosophy helps me to stay in today, and enjoy the gift of life daily, instead of expecting that magic moment to arrive. Or that magic number on the scale that will bring me joy the second I achieve it. 

   Today, I am grateful for the grace of God. I am grateful for the way He takes the rubble of our lives and makes something beautiful. My battles are my treasures. Only God can do that.Here is the rest of the devotional from "Jesus Calling".   Be blessed everyone! 

There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity. When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself. Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit. Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me. Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord.
—Psalm 89:15

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
—Hebrews 12:1–2 nasb

Plateau

   It's been a strange weight loss month. I was on a nasty plateau for a month. It really had a grip on me, and in spite of the standard reasons and classic excuses, I was losing confidence in myself, fast. Deep down in I knew what I was doing wrong. But don't we all? I do think there are times when we don't have a good response on the scale, but I also think there are more times we use excuses and don't look at ourselves honestly. There's a lot of denial in losing weight. Lots!

  I'm going to confess my short comings that were sabotaging my loss. Too much peanut butter on my toast in the morning, too big of a "splash" of sugar free creamer in my coffee, way to big of portions of food, not watching the amount of salad dressing I was using on my salad, nibbling on food while I cooked, using way too much ketchup, too many late night snacks,. I could go on. I switched my on line tracking from weight watchers to My Fitness Pal. Please don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers! But I needed to be more accurate. Just for now. Sometimes when we are stuck, it helps to change things around. There is no"magic" diet. there are many healthy "vehicles" that will take you down the path to weight loss. I like to switch it up a bit, and keep it fresh. After a week of taking inventory on my food. I was down 8 pounds! It is always the brightest after the darkest night.

   I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with my trainers. (They are so amazing!) we decided to weigh weekly instead of monthly. This helped greatly. I've actually been weighing every morning. Not obsessively but keeping close track. It's just to easy for me to have a " little treat" since I don't weigh for a month or even a week. Isn't it amazing the head games we play with ourself? I. Really Appreciate my trainers for never shaming me, yet being very honest. I trust them, I know everything they do is for my own good. Weight lose is a very personal thing, more complex, the heavier you are. It's a delicate balance between being honest and out of denial, and confronting our flaws. It takes a lot of trust to be this transparent. I am in awe of the emotional maturity of these young 20-something's. they are wise beyond their years. That's what happens when you are doing the very thing you are passionate about.

  It was pointed out to me that I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself in the past. Which was annoying and exhausting to my friend. Ouch! That hurt. Pretty bad, actually. But, I guess there is some truth to it. I hear that a lot about people who think someone is wallowing in their grief or sorrow too long. I have worn out a lot of friends. I feel bad about that. But I want to thank those of you that have been merciful, and a steady force in my life. You are truly special people. You have been Jesus to me. It was selfless and humbling to me. Blessings to all of. You.

   One more thing I have added to my weight loss program is a life coach. This was another "God thing". I've not shared it with very many people, because it is deeply personal. This opportunity just fell in my lap. A dear friend recently came back into my life via Facebook. It's a very long story, but she is mentoring people through their emotional hurdles. She offered to help me. This is one more piece to the recovery I have needed. In only a few short weeks I have found some much needed peace. My journey is long, but I trust God, and with every step he has given me what I needed, at that very moment. "I will sing of the Mercies of The Lord forever....."

   Blessings to all of you. I so appreciate your reading my blog. It makes my journey less lonely.

Kathy

 

 

Meat Loaf

   Dr. Phil says you can not rely on will power. What? I use to say, without willpower I would be even bigger, if that's possible. Then I listened closer. To be successful at weight loss you must set yourself up for suscess, not falilour.

   So, what does this have to do with meat loaf? Well I can't think of a better meal than my Moms meatloaf, with corn and mashed potatoes. Smothered in butter of course. And the left overs! It's so good to eat cold on a couple of pieces of buttered toast with a big glass of whole milk. Tonight I made meatloaf. I made it with a weight watcher recipe. I had roasted Brussels sprouts with it. I took a warm shower while it was cooking in my toaster oven. I do a lot of thinking in the shower, do you? I thought of those words of Dr Phil's. Now how can I apply this to my meal tonight? What are my biggest struggles? For one thing, portions, and the other leftovers. So after my shower, I went in the kitchen to plate my food. I carved off the approperate amount for one portion. Loaded the rest of my plate with my sprouts. And right then, wrapped the rest of the meatloaf in foil, and put it in the freezer. Imedeately! I did not ever let it cool off. I feel really good, kinda proud. Which boost my confidence and lowers temptations. Much better than hearing that meatloaf call my name about midnight, so I could sneak in the kitchen and finish it off. It will be frozen solid by then.

   Do you have habits that stop you from success? Things that sabotoge your goals. Maybe it's the extra big bag of chips that you can't leave alone after it's open. Maybe you need to buy them snack size. What about the food you have on hand for other family members or grandchildren. I know, I know, why should they have to suffer just because your will power is not strong enough? Well, trust me, they will suffer more when they find you dead on the kitchen floor. Besides, loving food is your love language, not theirs. There are many ways to love people without food. What about making a personal rule, no eating in the car and no drive ups. This allows you to think first before you just blow through McD's for that Big Mac special. Whatever it is, be really truthful with yourself and set your life up for success. Be blessed everyone! The workout mafia are coming tomorrow, I better get some rest!

It's 4:17 AM!

   Well another sleepless night. It's my own falt, I have done very little this weekend. It's no excuse, but I was alone for days, and honestly, that last workout on Friday busted my butt! All of this inactivity messes up my sleep. I may as well get use to it, I'm starting to post about the pain far too much. As Honey Boo Boo's Momma June says, " it is what it is". I love that woman. Progress can really be painful.

   I'm anxious about Tuesdays weigh in. I've been really careful with food, in fact I eat under the Weight Watcher points I get. I may be wrong but some say if you don't eat enough your body holds the fat and goes into survival mode. I just don't buy that. I need to be consistent when eating my veggies. I eat plenty, but like yesterday, I did not eat enough. I'm looking into a local farmer here in the area that does a food coop. You pay an up front fee, and weekly,  from May through September you get lots of veggies and a good variety. Fresh veggies are hard for me to keep stocked, since I have help getting groceries so can't go frequently, and the price. It is kinda pricy to eat healthy.  So I'm praying I can come up with the money.

   I'm really working on moving forward and stops looking back. I think that's what had me stuck for so long. I kept reliving my past, wishing I could redo some of it, and grieving the losses, be it old friends, or family and friend that have passed away. I think too much, I'm alone and in the house too much. I know what to do. I just need to apply it. I know I'm doing great, but I can always do better. I'm not striving for mediocre, I'm striving for excellence. It's a lifetime process of sharpening the saw.
 

   Have a happy Monday everyone! Make the best of this fresh new day.

Laminations 3:23

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Mercy Me!

   I'm in pain! Real pain. If I had not worked out today and just woke feeling this bad, I would surely go to the ER. I'm not being dramatic, it's that real. But no amount of pain will stop me from getting well. This kind of pain feels good. Like my trainer says, Pain is weakness leaving your body.

   I lost a friend today. Someone I was very close to at one time. We had a long history. I was the family friend that stopped by randomly to have family time, the kind a single person craves. This family were my lifeline, they still are. But my friend chose a different path. The path of addiction. It destroyed his marriage, his family, most of his relationships with friends and God, and his business.  It could be me, it should be me. There is little difference between an alcoholic and a food addict. We are both trying to fill that God shaped hole in out heart with our drug of choice. My friend was my age, he had a beautiful family and adorable grandchildren.

   I can't bring my friend back. But I can learn something. I can  Really listen to what God is teaching me. I don't believe God took his life, but I do believe God uses these things to teach us something.

   So back to my pain. No amount of work or pain is as bad as feeling like you are simply breathing, but dead. Pain makes me feel alive! I know I'm making progress. This is the hardest physical work I've done to get healthy,  ever. In 96 when I lost 200 pounds, I was unhealthy, but younger and stronger. This is a whole new experience. So bring it on, I'm ready to live! I am willing to work as hard as it takes to get back into life again. We serve a God of Second chances. (Sometimes third or fourth) I am looking forward to tomorrow morning when I'm rested up, the pain has reduced itself to a dull ache. I will have less shuffle in my step, my faith built up a little more, and confidence knowing I will be more than a conqueror.

Romans 8:37

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Be blessed everyone!

Tattle Tale

   Most of us that have been trying to lose weight, know deep down inside what it is that is keeping us from losing. It's just hard to face it, let alone expose it to someone. I believe we will never get a grip on this until we expose our most vulnerable and shameful habits to someone safe. That is a tough thing to do when we have protected ourselves so long from being judged and shamed. But this can be so healing. One reason being, we have created accountability. That is a powerful thing. I call it tattling on myself. Once it's out there, there is no turning back. But it does more. Being free elevates our self esteem and boosts confidence. And it only works if we tattle on Ourselves.  Most of the time it will not be recieved well if you try helping someone by tattling on them.  But you have to tattle to someone safe, someone on your team, someone you trust. I'm grateful I can do that with my team of trainers. As the weeks go by, I have developed a relationship that allows me to do this. Little by little more secrets I release and the freer I become. This makes the road to health so much easier.

   We can really be in denile of what is killing us. One fellow fatty I knew, in conversation, told me she had a refrigerator in her bedroom. She really thought it was no big deal that she, in her 40s, lived at home, spent most of her time in the bedroom and had a refrigerator in her room. It's pretty obvious to you and me that fridge was stoping her from getting up and moving around, it isolated her, and made binging more convient. When I called her on it she was livid! She got very defensive and it actually stressed our relationship. Another friend had a husband that sabotoged her weight loss efforts. He said he wanted her to lose weight, but kept bringing doughnuts and goodies home to his 400 pound wife. She ended up getting bypass surgery, and during her recovery her husband would bring her cheeseburgers and fast food. She died shortly after. This is serious you guys, it's those secrets that are killing us.

   It is really up to us to let down those guards and open your life for the world to see. When we do this, step by step the sun starts shining into our lives. And to those of you who are believers, it's scriptural. We are to confess our sins, disciple each other and be accountable. That is true tattle taling at its very best.

James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Take care everyone, remember, people need people. Blessings! 

Sleepless in Nebraska

   Well, it's 5 am, and I've been up all night. I've been doing tons of thinking. Yesterday was weigh in day. I think I was down 2 pounds. I say "think" because every time I stepped on the scale it varied 2 pounds up then down. But the number that showed 2 pound loss came up more often, so I'll take it.
But I really need a big number. Maybe I watch Biggest Loser too much, but I know I can do this better and in a healthy way. I'm still not as active as I could be. I will do better this week. I think I need to tweak my eating even more. Less carbs, more protein and veggies. I need to view carbs as a condiment.

   I had my trainer video my workout on my iPad today. I was not going to watch it, but I did. I'm trying to record this whole journey I'm on. When I looked at the video, I did not reconize that girl working out. I don't see myself that big from the inside. Wow, talk about denile! I think I will use this for a weight loss tool when ever I'm tempted to eat too much or lay in bed too long. Ill just take a look at reality. It's weird how we view our own bodies. I'm so unactractive right now. No, I really am. being unhealthy is not pretty. There is so much shame in the self abuse. No wonder some of my friends have given up on me and view me as pathetic. I've also become very good at shoving people away to avoid rejection. But God never moves. He stayed near, sometimes so quiet I don't realize He is there, and sometimes so loud and obvious, I feel his presents. When I give him a shove, he not only stands solid, but embraces me more in those times I feel worthless and ugly. I have a handful of friends that do the same.

Tomorrow I will set my week up for success. I will chop and clean veggies, and do something productive. Maybe sew a little. I just have to be productive again. I think I'm on the verge of another breakthrough. There are so many layers to peel off. Every time I feel I've taken a leap, there is another layer. God is teaching me so much. But I'm kind of in a hurry. I'm getting older, and I have a very long bucket list. I want to start really living. But, this will take time and patience. I really dug myself deep this time. Oh but the sweet success, will be so worth it.

   I think I'm doing too much rambling, must be the lack of sleep. Have a good day everyone! Be blessed!

Hopeless Insominac

   It is 1:40 AM, and I can not sleep. This is the toughest part of turning my life around. The first urge I have is to go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. I'm not hungry. At least not belly hungry. This hunger is in my head, no, my heart. I am so use to automatically shoving every feeling I have down with food. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Loneliness for one, tired, empty, worry about my finances, relationships, my future, the list goes on. Everyone has feelings, it's part of being human. But sometime in my life long ago, I connected food with every emotion, especially the ones that are lonely.


   When I was a little girl, my father use to take me down town Sioux City on Saturdays. My Mom worked at the old Yonkers store. She worked Saturdays and my father was in charge of me.  I remember holding his hand down town and going to the candy counter at J. C. Pennies, I could get a nickels worth of any candy I wanted. That was a nice little treat in the 60s. I felt loved when my Dad took me there. My Father was not a good communicator, at least with his feelings. He had a good heart, and loved me very much, but was not real verbal. His love language to me was food. Food was so important to him. My father grew up very poor in the depression. Many times he shared the story of how he would get only a slice of bread for Supper with lard spread on it. Food meant security, to him, so therefore, food was sacred and giving someone food, was his love language.


   I think maybe I associate food with love, and security. In my lonely times I feel comforted by food. I have noticed I struggle when I feel any kind of anxiety. Do any of you feel this way? I'd love to hear your story.


   Tonight I choose to blog. Hoping maybe I could feed that hunger with something other than food. I want God to fill that space, I pray for that. But the hunger still sneaks up on me. Willpower will always let you down. This journey to good health is going to need more than willpower. I have to set myself up for success. Make sure I have a plan for moments like these. I close the kitchen off, mentally, I put a piece of fruit or something on the bathroom counter and this keeps me from having to go in the kitchen. If I go in there, I'm doomed. But I want to get to the bottom of this, its' not about the food, its about the empty hole inside of me. Maybe this is the solution, blog, talk, write, nurture myself. I do feel better now. I hesitate publishing this post, because I think I sound crazy. A naturally thin person would never understand this. But I will, just for my friends and readers who struggle the same as I. You are not alone. I will never give up, and you better not either. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh adventure. Be blessed!

Chili Day in Nebraska

A  New Day!
   Yesterday was such a great day. My workouts feel better, it is turning into a different kind of pain. I'm walking more and better. I really made a connection with my trainers yesterday. It was like we were on the same page. Until yesterday, I just did what I was told (most of the time). Yesterday I got on board planning my new health lifestyle. I could tell on their faces they felt the same. It's a funny thing to change your life. It's like waking from a coma. I was in a fog for a while, and now, I see things clearer.

   Now I'm not doing everything perfectly. I still struggle with getting myself going, and out of that depressing state of mind. But I act on fact rather than feelings, most of the time. I don't feel like getting going in the morning, but I know in spite of what I feel, I have several things I need to do in my day to reach my goal, and I can't do them from my bed!  Sometimes you just have to think baby steps. Just do something, is my motto these days.

    I'm not a menu planner. I can't live that way, anymore than I could plan what I'm going to wear weeks in advance. Now I'm not suggesting you throw your menus out the window. Everyone had different ways of doing things. So, tonight I just did not know what to make for Dinner. I had a pound of ground beef thawing. What I wanted was my all time binge food, Spaghetti in a Bolognese sauce, with tons of parmigiano reggiano sprinkled on top of a mountain of pasta. I needed to make something healthy, and satisfying. So, I chopped tons of onions, and peppers, browned the beef, and made some very healthy lite chili. It's simmering on the stove as I write this. I will measure the amount of oyster crackers I use. I had to make something I liked so I would not feel I was punishing myself. My point is, sometimes I look at things too black and white. I use to think if I did not get what I wanted I was denying myself and felt deprived. But usually there is a grey area. I also had to tell myself that I could make my pasta dish any time, Spaghetti noodles were going to be around the rest of my life. Sometimes it's just easier to not say no, just say, not now.

   I won't be eating cinnamon rolls with my chili, as all good midwesterners do. I 'll have some fresh veggies and hummus. Just for tonight. Some other day, maybe, just not tonight. Sometimes it just seems like I get a craving and I seem to react like it's my only opportunity to eat what I'm craving. This whole food thing, is so hard to get in perspective. But I won't give up! I've always felt I would get healthy, and this is my time. Blessings everyone!

 

Weigh in Day

I have my trainers coming tomorrow, and its weigh in day. I am very nervous. I just have no idea what that scale will say. But I know, after my little breakdown last Thursday, I will be fine no matter what the numbers say. Part of the balancing act is not letting the numbers measure your worth, yet they are a tangible evidence of progress. A number on the scale should not have the power to define your happiness. My joy and happiness started when I made the decision to take care of myself. It's not when that "magic" number appears on the scale.

 last time I lost a lot of weight, I was over the moon when my journey took me under 400 pounds. When I started gaining, and got back over 400, I felt ugly, and a failure. So how can the same number bring me emotions on both sides of the spectrum? What is joy and happiness anyway? I define it as being content with who you are, not what you are. Mine comes from who I am in Christ. I know that in spite of how I feel, I have the same value, always.


My motto today is, "do something" it fits in with the "progress not perfection" theory. If your task, day or workout seems overwhelming, STOP THINKING, and do something. As tiny as it may be, do it. You can't make progress doing nothing. Just do something, and most of the time, you will be surprised how much momentum you will gain. Have a great evening everyone! Blessings!

Making Hummus

I made Hummus. If you have not  tried this high protein fiber filled dip, you really should.

This is what I used to make my Hummus. 3 cans drained garbonzo beans (or also called chickpeas) , 2 lemons, olive oil, tahini paste, (you can get that in the international food section, or just ask your grocer) roasted garlic, salt and pepper. I love using my Ninja blender for this, it works perfectly. Altho because of it's size I made this in 3 batches.

I started out roasting my garlic. You can use raw, but I find it too sharp and strong, I love roasted garlic. just cut off the top, drizzle some olive oil salt and pepper, wrap in foil, bake at 400 for 30 minutes. I roasted it last night along with my roasted veggies.

This is what it looks like after its roasted and the garlic is squeezed out. It's so fragrant and delicious!  

Just blend it all together until smooth.

I drizzled some more olive oil on top, salt and pepper. I will give some away, freeze some and eat some this week. I hope you make some, it is a superfood! 

Roasted Veggies with Quinoa and Beef Tips

Today I made some roasted veggies with quinoa with beef tips. This made 2 large servings. I ate one and saved the rest for tomorrow. If you are counting WW points it was 13 points. That could be cut in half. I used 1 cup quinoa, 5 oz beef. 1 Tablespoon olive oil. I was hungry and had tons of points to use up. it was so satisfying.

I started out slicing and stir frying a particle frozen 1 pound beef tip. 

I gathered the veggies I wanted to use. (basically cleaned out my fridge)

I rough chopped the veggies sprayed with olive oil, and shook some fajita  seasoning on them. Put them in a 400 degree oven for 40 minutes.  (I used my handy dandy toaster oven)

I had some quinoa left from the other day. when I cooked this under the directions on the package, I added a bouillon cube to add flavor. Then just heated up in the microwave. 

I added the stir fried beef. and put it all together on a bed of quinoa. This is the final product. (forgive the messy plate, I am sure I will get better at this as time goes by) Oh my Goodness was this good! better than stir fry, because the roasted veggies were caramelized and the flavor was concentrated. Very very filling. The fajita seasoning was awesome. I will for sure make this again. 

First Post

   Welcome to the first posting on my new lifestyle blog. All of this is so new to me, so please be patient with me as I learn to navigate myself in the world of blogging.

   First a little about myself. I am from Nebraska. I was a hairdresser, salon owner for 24 years. I am widowed, and working very hard to get healthy. It has become my full time job. I have over 300 pounds to lose. It seems like a tremendous amount. But I am the same as someone who has 20 pounds to lose. I argue with the same Oreo cookie you do. We both lose it one pound at a time, mine happens to be 300 times. this has been a struggle through out my life. I have had many successes and many
failures. But I never give up, and truly believe I will be able to achieve and maintain a healthy body.

    As this blog goes on, I will fill in more details of my life. One warning, I am very open, outspoken, and sometimes irreverent. I do not have a potty mouth, but I use offensive words like fat and fatty. One more thing, I am head over heels in love with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will mention Him from time to time, but do not consider myself religious, and do not plan on shoving religion down anyones throat. Mine is a personal relationship with Christ, deeply intimate.

   The most recent awaking I had was last Tuesday. I have been blessed to have a couple of trainers come to my home, pro bono, the last few weeks. They help me get my body moving and burn off some calories. I had gotten stuck, this summer I lost 50 pounds. It was time to push my boundaries. Honestly, I thought they would  just sit me in a chair, and I would wave my arms around, eat healthy and the 300 would drop off. I was giving about 75%. My biggest struggles was not what I was eating, but how much. I was in denial and thought I was giving 100% and looking at my monsters in the face. I actually got a bit cocky about it. I had the luxury of personal trainers coming to my home, and fussing over me, and all I had to do was unlock the door and let them in my living room. I think for a while I thought I was Oprah. But NO! These girls have me figured out.

    I had turned on my fat girl charm as usual, and became gushing nice, to win over these new friends. Don't most of us who are lifetime fatties have mechanisms we instill in our personalities to cope in this world and to make us likeable? Mine is being very cool, sweet as pie, smart, and generous to a fault. That is what this fat girl feels she needs to do to make friends. I have never though I was worth much to anyone as I was,  unless I offered up something. If I was a 110 pound blue eyed blonde, I could just walk in a room and light it up. Now that I am aware of this behavior in myself, I can spot it right away in another fatty. I realize now, that the blue eyes blonde has issues of her own. We all struggle with something. I just wear mine. When you are fat, people see your sin visibly.

    Any way, back to my trainers, we got to talking about weigh in day.  The first of the month, I have been very nervous about this because I knew my 75% participation was not enough. I fessed up and shared my fear. I was expecting some support, maybe even sympathy, you know like when you have a gain at the WW meeting, and everyone tells you all the excuses that might have kept you from losing, so you won't feel bad and quit. We fatties are so supportive of each other. But sometimes too supportive. Well that's not what happened here. The blonde one started telling me bluntly what was going to happen to me if I did not give all I had. She explained if I kept on the road I was on, someday I would need a team of men and heavy equipment to take me to the hospital, another crew to just get me in the hospital bed, and I would lose even the tiny bit of dignity I had left. Then she went on to say it was pointless to waste her time and mine when there are many others who would love their help. But, she also told me she loved me and cared for me, she saw my worth and potential. You see, these girls care enough about me to take a chance at losing my friendship in order to teach me how to save my own life. This is the epitome of love and friendship. So I received my verbal spanking. It was embarrassing, and humiliating. I wanted to run, well shuffle, out of the room. It was awkward and uncomfortable. But it was truth. The point I want to make is, no matter what that scale says on Tuesday, I have turned things around. I am eating very mindfully and carefully, and ready to give them 110% Tuesday. There is no comfortable way to good health, but there is nothing comfortable about trying to live as a 456 pound woman. Yep, I said it, the big number.  You were all curious anyway. That number does not define who I am, or by any measure of how lovable and worthwhile I am. I am stepping out of shame, and getting real. I have a lot more to say, so get ready. This is going to be a bumpy ride. But I will promise you one thing, it won't be boring. Blessings everyone!